It's MY life. DON'T try living it for me!

m3_without_u61 @ 2007-02-03T12:16:00

2007-02-03T17:16:38Z

Damn, im soo tired. I went to sleep late yesterday and woke early today!
I was suppose to go w/ my friend to her audition. She's trying to get into
I think AM some school for actresses or something? Well for acting. Besides
that im sorta sick.. Yesterday I went late to school and an hour later my
dad picked me up. I hate when im sick all i do is stay home... Bored... And
i should probably do my homework........ but Nahhhhh..... Ima get off...
the internet bores me

PZzzZ Ppl

Why?

2006-12-21T03:04:25Z

Why can't we be friends like we use to be?
Why don't you get happy to see me?
Why do you avoid me every time I'm around you?
Why can't you be the first to say hi?
Why did you have to ask me THAT question?
Why did my rejection change this friendship?
Why does it seem like you hate me?
Why can't I stop thinking about you?
Why is your image with me everywhere I go?
Why is this so hard for me?
Why are you hurting me and not evening noticing?
Why is hurting me the only way to maintain your "dignity?"
Why does my heart feel pain when I'm the one who rejected you in the first place?
Why is this so easy for you to forget and for me to remember?
Why was I a fool to think things could go back to "normal?"
Why do I want to talk with you so badly?
Why did you have to push me away like THAT?
Why do I want to HATE you for changing everything and just can't?
Why was I so afraid of being with you?
Why couldn't I have said yes and been happy?
Why did I take you for granted?
Why can't we be friends like we use to be....?

I hate stereotypes

2006-10-24T01:30:26Z

People these days are soooo judge mental man.
They never mind their own business.
Most people these days look at someone with glasses
and automatically assume they must be smart.
Or someone with braces and say their a nerd.
They could see a girl with a fitted shirt and some cute jeans
and assume she must be a slut.
There are so many stereotypes that I can name 20.
But yes, I have a point.
On friday I dyed the front of my hair red and I like it
b-cuz I straightened my hair and it looked cute,
so I thought.
People in my school were complementing me today saying
"Oh Angela, I love ur hair!" n etc...
That made me feel soo GOOD! I couldn't stop smiling..
Then again there were the others commenting asking:
What am I trying to be a rocker? N What has the devil done?
And Angela what happened to you?? I think that if
you have something negative to say just don't say it at all!
Even my teacher looked at me all weird! The whole class started laughing!!
I always try convincing myself that I don't care what people think
about me. But im so emotional that either way, I lie to myself and those
people laughing had no idea that I felt like bursting out crying...
I mean in some cases I wouldn't care but I felt like the whole class
was laughing at me and I couldn't help but to feel like crying...
Thank goodness that I was strong enough to hold all that in.
If people were to see me cry it would be a sad day for me..
But any ways I dont think that people or most likely teenagers
know the effect that their actions or words can engender.
Today I felt horrible... I sort of felt like committing suicide...
I know it's stupid but im a very emotional person and simple things
can make me feel sooo sad or depressed.
I hate feeling this way. I mean I know that at one point
people do judge one another but teens are so cruel....
I use to have a therapist to talk to but they took her away from me.
And besides all this today I woke up with a sore throat.
I could barely speak the whole day and every1 kept talking smack.
Why are they all talking about me?
Am I THAT important to them? gosh........
I hope this all makes sense..

I can't blame God forever...

2006-10-04T03:34:47Z

I use to believe in God, even when I was little. Even when my mother passed away... But I think it was in the 8th grade when I realized it. That if God existed why would he go through so much to cause me pain? I was barely 5 when my mother died... I didn't know what was going on.

I don't even remember crying. In the 9th grade, better yet when I started turning more into a teenager and started to need my mother more and more, I remember thinking "God doesn't exist, God CANT exist.Why would "GOD" the man who "created" earth, the man who people believe in so much and have so much faith in, kill MY mom? What did I do to deserve this?" I remember I use to cry late at night. Never telling any one how I felt or feel.

But then I thought to myself recently, there's nothing I did to deserve this and there's nothing I can do to change what happened to my mom. I read in a book that in the Bible it says there's a season for EVERYTHING, even the season of someones life ending. So I guess it was my mother's season, to die. To leave us, the ones that cared about her the most and me, the youngest who needs HER now more than ever. I guess I never did stop believing in God, I was just very very mad with him.

Alex explained to me that most people that lose their faith in God is because he's taken someone very close to them away. And I agree with that, when he told me that I started crying. Although he doesn't know that nor needs to know that for that fact. My dad use to tell me that now he was both my mother and father, I found that oddly disturbing. Well, It doesn't matter whether I would have been prepared for my mother's death because either way, I lose.

When some one dies the living, those left behind, were and can never truly be ready for a loved one dying. It all comes the same, making holes in our hearts and minds, pointing the way to eternity, where it could come for us no more. So I guess I accept that fact that my mother is dead, even after all these years.

The truth is I didn't realize what a major impact it had on my life until I turned 13 or 14. And I know that we can't ever completely get over it but we can still move on with our lives. It seemed so easy for my oldest sister though. She never showed any weakness nor any type of emotion what's so ever. We aren't the type of family that sit down and talk, but what family is?

So yes, I can't blame God for the death of my mother. Even though part of me still does. God, I would say was created by man-kind to give us something or "some one" to believe in. And I guess it worked. It has not gotten completely through my mind that he exist, as I said he was just made up. And that's not so bad cause the kids in hospitals need some one to have faith in. Not only kids but adults as well.

I think I just confused my self... Am I for God am I against God? I don't make any type of sense...